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: Ostensibly Heterosexual Man Constantly Threatening To Put Objects Up Coworkers' Asses : : IRVING, Texas -- Though married and ostensibly heterosexual, Westech Data Systems office : manager Douglas Briar is constantly threatening to anally penetrate male coworkers with office : supplies. "Keep it up," Briar warned coworker Trent Lonegan Monday, "and I'll ram this toner : cartridge up your ass." Briar has made similar threats involving staplers, three-hole punches, : coffee pots, and rolls of fax paper. : : ...What the fuck am I? Fucking Mickey Mouse at : : Disneyfuckingland? this is fucking Deadbolt's : : fucking board, not my fucking son of a bitch : : board. what the fuck is all your fucking : : problems? Don't any of you dumbfucks have a : : motherfucking life? Are you fucking retards that : : fuck with your fucking computers all fucking day? : : Go get some goddamn fresh air and stop breathing : : in your own "hermetically sealed apartment : : farts". Go down to the fucking 7-Eleven and buy a : : fucking soda for christsakes. YOU'RE ALL SHIT. : : Just get out of the fucking house. Now we got yet : : another genderbender here named vermin. YOU ALL : : SUCK ASS. Fuck, his real nmae is probably Herman, : : but his fucking Swedish parents were : : misunderstood by the fucking hospital, "Oh...you : : vant' to name your vonderful' son Vermin'? : : OkieDokey" Shit, I'll just call him Mr. Cut and : : Paste from now on since he can't name his fucking : : self. YOU'RE ALL FUCKING RETARDATES. Isn't this : : proper english shiyt getting a bit fucking trite? : : I mean okay, so Diana was hot for her English : : teacher, DO WE ALL HAVE TO SUFFER FOR IT?? And : : what about this Cnancaca (NOW WHAT THE FUCK DOES : : THAT MEAN IN FUCKING SPANISH? DOES THIS : : MOTHERFUCKER WRITE THAT GOOD WITH SPRAYPAINT : : TOO?) YOU'RE ALL SUNBAKED DOGCRAP SITTING ON A : : FUCKING YELLOWED LAWN, WITH A THREE-YEAR-OLD : : HASBRO SLIP N'SLIDE THAT'S NOW USED TO KEEP THE : : DRIVEWAY CLEAN WHEN THE HOMEOWNER CHANGES THE OIL : : IN HIS 1985 FORD GRANADA. or fucking something : : like that goddamnit. You all make me sick, I hope : : you all die. I hope you get lockjaw and have to : : go around with a stupid look on your faces for : : the rest of your life. I hope you have retarded : : children that other kids pee on. I hope you : : you're sitting in the back of a Fucking 2001 Ford : : Focus and it gets rear ended by a Mack truck : : carrying Port-a-poddies. I hope all that green : : disinfectant that smell worse than the shit it : : disinfects spills all over your face as the fire : : crew tries desparately (using the hydrolic "Jaws : : of Life") to remove the crumpled Ford Focus from : : deep inside your ass. I'm too fucking tired to : : write anymore because these days (WHEN MY FUCKING : : FOOD ISN'T DISAPPEARING FROM MY MICROWAVE) I seem : : to be living off Walmart cookies and this isn't a : : good healthy thing. AND HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW : : THAT THE SPACE INVADER GAME WAS FOR RA? I STILL : : HAVEN'T NAMED IT YET ASHOLE? BUT YOU FUCKED UP : : THE SURPRISE BECAUSE IT WAS GONNA HAVE RA'S : : PICTURE ABOVE IT SAYING "KEEP THOSE DAMN ALIENS : : OUT OF MY FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD" IT WAS GONNA BE A : : FUCKING HAPPY SURPRISE BUT YOU FUCKED IT UP FOR : : ME BUTTBRAIN. I don't feel like typing anymore. : : : : : Well, Patrick...got over that lil' flu bug, eh? : : Back now with a vengeance? We've all missed you. : : In reference to an earlier post, I have to agree : : that your ramblings about Frank Black, parachute : : pants and your own blatant hardcore : : punkrockedness probably contributed most to HRG's : : recent absence. After all, we all KNOW noone's as : : Devo as you. Your winning bid on that collection : : of used Mott The Hoople concert ankle socks??? : : Like anyone is punker than that...sheesh. We : : don't need to keep being reminded. And now for a : : lil' Haiku: : : : After brief respite : : : Pat returns home once again : : : Geekdom, here we come : : : : : : "...I'll put an R.A. MacLean Space Invaders : : game on my website. Don't mess with me- I'm a : : voodoobilly dork..." : : : YDSM : : : P.S.- Don't make your jealousy of any praise : : D.D. gets so apparent. Chancaca! might just pay : : you a visit...and from what I understand- you : : don't want that. : : : P.P.S.- Make it a turkey sub next time. With : : mustard AND mayo. Quit bein' a tightwad with that : : bologna nonsense.